


Pandemic: Craig Says No

by allthestripes



Category: South Park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-04 18:30:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14026128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthestripes/pseuds/allthestripes
Summary: What if Craig had refused to give Stan and the gang his money? Not been arrested? What if he'd remained in South Park when the Pandemic began?





	1. Chapter 1

"Craig, don't be an asshole," Cartman said flatly, looking at the boy in the blue chullo standing beside him.

Craig stared between Cartman and his three friends, on the verge of just giving in and going along with it. But then again... why should he have to? You know what, no. No, he wasn't doing this.

He shoved Cartman away from him, towards the front door. "No, I'm not doing it. Get out of here."

The four groaned and headed off to find another way to get money to start their Peruvian pan-flute band.

Craig allowed a small smile to cross his face. He had done it, he'd stood up to the assholes and protected his money. Satisfied, he shut the door and returned to his spot on the couch to continue watching Red Racer.

* * *

It was a few days later when he saw on the news the rounding up of pan-flute bands at the South Park mall. Oh, look, there were Stan and his gang being arrested. Cool. Those guys got into trouble like this all the time, he wasn't worried that they would come out of it just fine, they usually did.

Craig climbed the stairs to his bedroom, going to visit his guinea pig, Stripe. "Hey, Stripe," he greeted, opening the cage and letting the fluffy creature crawl out onto his hand. Man, guinea pigs made him so happy. They were easy to take care of, not to mention super cute.

"Do you think they'll be gone for a long time?" he asked his pet. "I hope so, it'll be nice to have at least a few days of peace around here." He played with Stripe for a while, then returned him to his cage. He changed into his favorite truck printed pajamas and went to sleep.

The next day, as he was watching Red Racer, there was another knock on the door. With a sigh, he got up and went to the door. Outside were Stan and Kyle's parents. He blinked at them, wondering idly what they wanted.

"Hello, Craig," Stan's mom, Sharon, greeted softly. She looked like she had been crying, as did Sheila, Kyle's mom. "We were wondering if you'd seen our boys. T-They've been missing for a few days. The last we heard they had come to see you."

"I have no idea where they are," Craig answered. It was honest enough. Sure, he had seen them being arrested, but he had no clue where they had been taken. Saying they had been arrested wouldn't help anything.

"Who's here, Craig?" His mother, Laura, came out of the kitchen. "Oh, hello, Randy, Sharon, Sheila, Gerald." With each name, she nodded slightly. The other parents returned the gesture, though not as enthusiastically, which was impressive seeing as Laura hadn't used any emotion. "What can we do for you?"

"We heard that our sons were last seen with Craig, and we just wanted to know if he knew where they had gotten to," Gerald said, hugging his wife close. "I always knew he was trouble..."

Craig blinked. Had that remark been... directed at him?

Laura seemed to think so as well, putting her hands on her hips. "Excuse me? What does that mean?"

"Don't take offense, Laura, it's just that... well, we always though Craig was a trouble maker," Sharon said.

"How dare you!" Laura scooped Craig into her arms. "How dare you talk about my son like that! He's a sweet little thing, it's your out of control children that cause all the problems!" She set him down on the steps and turned to face the other parents, throwing herself into the quickly growing argument.

Craig simply sighed and walked upstairs. No point in hanging out, it looked like he was done watching his show for the day. ' _Man, even when they aren't around to cause trouble for me,_ ' he thought irritably. ' _And they tell me I'm the dick!_ '

He heard his dad, Thomas, get back a while later, interrupting the argument that was still going on. Soon his loud voice joined in the other yelling, and Craig found himself growing irritated. Why couldn't they all just leave him alone? He came out of his room and started down the stairs, getting to the bottom just as Sharon began to yell at her husband Randy to "Put down his stupid fucking video camera, their son was missing, and they had more important things to worry about!"

Craig ignored them and sat on the couch, flipping on the television. The news was on now, set to CNN. He crossed his arms and leaned back with a frown, listening to the opening music before the newscaster, Tom, appeared.

" _The government efforts to stop the Peruvian flute band crisis are now in their third day,_ " he reported as footage of Times Square in New York was shown, with other Peruvian pan-flute bands being chased down and arrested. " _In cities all over the world, flute bands have been removed and quarantined._ " As he spoke, they aired shots of cities around the country. " _But more may still be out there. Homeland Security's requesting that, if you see a Peruvian flute band, do not approach it._ " A graphic appeared on the screen to emphasis his message. " _Mark down the flute band's location, and do not, under any circumstances, buy their CDs._ " The graphic faded, and the camera returned to the reporter. "The flute bands that have been contained are being taken to a quarantined area in Miami."

' _I guess they're in Miami then,_ ' Craig thought idly, wondering if he should mention this to the adults. He watched the group fighting with his parents and rolled his eyes. Nah, that was too much effort. Instead, he went into the kitchen and got out two lunchables from the fridge, then returned upstairs. He opened his little sister's door and pushed the box into her room, figuring she might be hungry (What? He could do nice things for his sibling if he felt like it!), then returned to his own. The day had been nice and boring for the most part, until everyone had to start freaking out.

Those guys got into problems like this all the time, why were their parents only freaking out now? Probably just to ruin his boring day. Assholes. Whatever, it was bedtime.

* * *

The next day he spent entirely with Stripe. He brought his lovable, fluffy pet downstairs with a few toys and Stripe's little clear plastic rolly ball. They sat in the living room, playing games and watching cartoons. They only fully paused their playing when Red Racer came on, and the guinea pig laid in Craig's arms with his beady little eyes watching the screen like his human.

Once it ended, they returned to their game. A few hours later, Craig got himself a sandwich and some lettuce for Stripe. While they ate, the news came on again, a low voice alerting him to the change on the TV by saying, " _This is CNN._ "

The newscaster from the day before, Tom, was back. " _The last of the Peruvian flute bands have successfully been eradicated from every part of the world,_ " he announced happily. He turned to the screen beside him and addressed the on-location reporter. " _Paul Harris is at the shopping promenade and Paul, pretty nice not having any Peruvian flute music there, I suspect._ "

The camera changed to the one-site reporter. " _Really welcome silence, Tom,_ " he said, smiling. " _There hasn't been a Peruvian pan flute band in sight for days now, and everyone is really enjoying the peace. The world can breathe a collective sigh of relief now as we thank the-_ " He was cut off suddenly as a low, frightening moan sounded loudly.

Craig blinked, looking at the screen curiously. Why did that sound familiar...?

The camera swung around as the ground began to shake, trying to find the source of the noise and shaking. Something exploded to the side and the camera wiped over to focus on a car now burning. Paul screamed, " _WHAT THE-?!_ "

He was drowned out by people running by, screaming as well. A woman shrieked, " _OH MY GOD!_ " A police vehicle flew through the air, slamming into the ground upside down, right beside the water fountain in the promenade. More chaos ensued as Paul stood from where he had fallen, turning back to the camera to try and continue his report. " _There's- there's something else here! It's..._ " He looked to the side, and the camera followed his movement, focusing on the police car once more. " _It's not a Peruvian flute band, it's a..._ " He squinted into the distance. " _Oh my God, what is that thing?!_ "

Shocked out of his speechlessness, Tom asked, " _Paul? Paul, what do you see?_ "

" _It's furry! It's very furry!_ " Paul screamed again, then the camera blinked out and the stream was lost.

The studio was silent, then Tom slowly turned back to the camera directed at him and said, " _Okay obviously something different has uh shown up a-... Did he say 'furry'?_ " Before anyone could answer him, loud thumps like footsteps could be heard outside the building, and everything inside rattled and a few computers turned off. People in the background scattered around, trying to fix the malfunctions.

" _Okay, uh, we're- we're experiencing some uh-_ " Tom was cut off as more footsteps were heard, this time much closer, and everything but the camera that was broadcasting the newsroom shut off. A third bang knocked the camera back, filming part of the roof as it was ripped away like a tin can lid. Moonlight shone in, illuminating the terrified face of Tom as he looked out. " _My God what is that thing?!_ " he screamed. The fourth bang sent the camera spinning in another direction, getting just the bottom of Tom's body as he was lifted up screaming, then the camera was crushed, and static took over the screen.

Craig stared blankly at the television, confused beyond belief. "What the hell just happened...?" he asked out loud. He looked down at Stripe, rubbing his soft little head for a moment before putting him into the rolly ball. "I'm sure it's those guys fault somehow, Stripe. It's always their fault. Why can't they just walk away sometimes? Just say no?"

He got down on the floor, laying on his stomach and watching Stripe roll around the carpet. He yawned, then heard the door open as his parents came in, returning from work.

"It's time for bed now, Craig," Thomas said, scooping up some of the guinea pig toys while Laura helped Craig stand. They took him upstairs, and tucked him into bed, kissing his forehead and telling him goodnight before returning to the first floor.

He yawned again, then turned onto his side, more than ready for sleep. Perfect, boring days like this one had been always wore him out. He was asleep before long, and didn't wake up when a knock came to his front door.

Thomas opened it, revealing an older man in a suit. "Can I help you?" he questioned, staring the stranger up and down.

"Is this the residence of a 'Craig Tucker'?" the man asked.

"Who wants to know?" Thomas shot back, crossing his arms over his large chest.

"I'm from the Department of Homeland Security. My name is Michael Chertoff, and I must speak with your son if he is here," the stranger, Michael answered. "Please, sir, it's a matter of national importance. He is the only one who can do something about this situation."

"I'm assuming you're talking about the strange attacks that are happening in the big cities? What exactly is Craig supposed to do about them? He's ten," the ginger man said. "Besides, Craig is in bed right now, probably sleeping too. I'm not going to wake him up for no reason."

For a second Michael's face contorted hideously, but Thomas blinked once, and it has smoothed again, leaving him to believe he had simply imagined it. "You see, Craig is the only person who can stop what's happening. For the betterment of our nation, I need to send him off to Peru."

Thomas didn't say anything for a few minutes, simply staring at the agent as if he'd grown another head in the span of two seconds. Then, without another word, he stepped back, and slammed the door shut. He locked it immediately after, traveling to the kitchen tiredly to join his wife. He then informed her of the strange conversation he had just had with their late-night visitor.

"How odd," was Laura's only comment, at a loss for for what to say.

Outside, Michael snarled and spat, shaking with rage. He returned to the sidewalk, staring up at the house with smoldering eyes for a while, before realizing something: he could just climb up and steal Craig away himself.

Grinning darkly, he broke into the Tucker's garage, taking out their ladder. He set it to the right of the door, and climbed up, peeking into the window. Directly in front of him was the little bastard himself, sleeping soundly in his bed with no idea of what was happening around him.

He easily opened the window, and climbed into the room. Glancing around, Michael wondered vaguely what a plain child like Craig could possibly be into. When he spotted the cage in the corner, he walked over. What kind of pet could a boring kid have?

Staring into the cage, to say he was shocked to see a guinea pig peering back at him would have been an understatement. Of course, not recognizing the person staring at him, Stripe's teeth began to chatter in annoyance. His sleep was being disturbed.

Michael grinned and leaned closer to the cage. "Hello, little guinea pig," he whispered. "Your master can make a lot of trouble for me, so I'm going to remove him from this equation." As if he understood, Stripe began to growl in fear, the soft "drr drr" sounds filling the room.

Instantly, Craig sat up, though his eyes were still closed. Michael dropped flat to the ground, watching Craig as he rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Stripe? What's wrong, buddy?" He got up and made him way over to the cage on his desk, not noticing the presence of the man in his room, who was silently worming his way across the floor to the window.

Craig opened the cage, pulling his pet out gently and settling him in his arms, petting him calmly as he spoke softly. "Hey, it's okay. Nothing is going to hurt you, I promise. I'm right here, anything that would want to hurt you would have to go through me." Suddenly, the window slammed shut behind him, and Craig turned to look at it curiously. "Huh, that's weird... I never have the window open..." He looked at it a moment longer, then shrugged and put Stripe back in his cage, the guinea pig relaxed once more.

He walked back to his bed, sitting on the edge and rubbing his eyes sleepily. Just then, a low, loud moan like he had heard on the news sounded through the small town. Craig paused, then turned and looked out his window. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary, through lights were turning on in other houses. Then the ground began to shake.

Feeling a little frightened, Craig got up and quickly changed out of his pajamas into his usual clothes, getting a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't be going back to bed any time soon. In his closet he pulled out a small handheld cage, and went to Stripe, getting the animal into it quickly. "Sorry, Stripe. I know you aren't super fond of this thing, but I get the feeling something bad is going to happen, and I'm not leaving my best friend behind." Rather than getting growled at as he had thought, Craig received a little purr and he smiled. "Cool."

He left his room, holding the cage protectively. His little sister opened her door and peeked out, also redressed. "Craig? What's happening?" she asked.

"I have no idea, Tricia. Let's go down and find mom and dad," he said, waiting for her to leave her room and shut the door before leading the way downstairs.

Laura and Thomas were standing in the living room, glancing around worriedly. Seeing the children on the stairs, Laura approached and put her arms around them while Thomas went to the door and opened it.

The house filled with the screams of the people outside running past them. Helicopters flew overhead, and more crashing and low moaning could be heard.

"Thomas! What's going on? What do you see?" Laura called, picking up her children and moving slightly closer to the large man.

"I don't see- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!" A loud, booming crash followed his outburst, and a car was thrown past their door.

"RUN! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE! THOMAS, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! MOVE, GET YOUR FAMILY OUT OF THERE!" They couldn't see the speaker, but they listened anyway. Thomas turned and took Tricia from Laura, then led his wife out of the house, sprinting down the street away from the unknown danger.

Craig held tightly onto Stripe's carrier, Laura's arms holding him securely to her as she ran behind her husband. The boy looked over his mother's shoulder, wanting to see the cause of this crazed panic. He blinked, then squinted, and used one hand to rub his eyes, hardly able to believe what he was seeing.

"Is that a giant guinea pig?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The news reports are taken directly from the script of the episode.


	2. Chapter 2

Craig sighed. He and his family, along with about half the town, were locked in the community center in the middle of South Park. From the sounds they could hear outside, it was clear the town was still under attack, and there were still plenty of people stuck outside.

He took Stripe's cage and walked to the corner of the large room, allowing his pet a little freedom to stretch. The center had lost their minds when the Tucker's had arrived with a tiny guinea pig, and tried to not only take it away, but kill him. Craig had stopped them by using his emotions for once. That didn't mean he appealed to them, tried to win them to his side by explaining that Stripe was a good little buddy. No, definitely not that way. Instead, he started screaming as loud as possible, startling everyone gathered, especially his parents.

Craig Tucker didn't scream. Not ever.

His guinea pig was quickly returned, and he stopped, holding the little carrier to his chest and sending a cold glare to everyone around him. "Leave Stripe alone," he told them coldly. "He didn't do anything wrong."

Since then, he had been left alone. He had happened to find an empty notebook and pencil, and he took this time to start writing, feeling the need to chronicle the events happening around him. ' _My name is Craig Tucker. Last week was my birthday. My Grandma gave me a check for a hundred dollars. I was sooo happy. But then, four kids from school came to my house and said I should use my hundred dollars to invest in becoming a Peruvian flute band. They promised I would double my money in one afternoon. But I said no. This turned out lucky for me, since the government arrested them along with all the other Peruvian flute bands and took them to some place in Miami. I have no idea what happened to those guys, but I'm sure they'll come back. They always do. Anyway, apparently the country, maybe even the world, is being attacked by giant guinea creatures. They tried to take Stripe away but I didn't let them. If I die, let it be known that it is because four guys I don't even like from school didn't think before doing something stupid. Again._ '

Finishing his note, he closed the journal and set it to the side, rubbing Stripe's head gently. "Sorry I don't have anything fresh for you to eat right now, Stripe," he apologized, feeling genuinely bad about that. "I'll get you a special treat when we get home to make up for it, I promise."

Stripe purred at him and nuzzled his hand, then allowed himself to be returned to the cage, going to sleep once the door was closed behind him.

Craig got up and walked back to his parents and sister. "I need to find food for Stripe."

"Sweetie, I doubt that have guinea pig food here," Laura said gently, not wanting to upset him. She knew how much her little boy loved his pet.

"I know. I'm going outside. I just need you guys to watch him for me while I'm gone so no one tries to kill him or anything," Craig answered simply.

"What?! No, Craig! You aren't going anywhere!" Thomas shouted, his face turning red in a mixture of anger and worry. Just about every emotion turned Thomas Tucker's face a shade of red. "You absolutely cannot go outside; do you understand me?!"

The child stared at his father blankly for a moment, then nodded. "Okay." He turned and headed into the crowd, away from his parents. He hadn't been asking for permission, he had only wanted to let them know what he was doing so they didn't worry too much. If Stan and his gang could make it through ridiculous situations and survive, he could make it through a bunch of guinea creatures to the store a few blocks over to get some damn lettuce and yogurt chips for his pet.

Reaching the door, he glanced around for a moment, then slipped out. No one had though to lock it, and no one was watching the door. Outside, it looked like the world had ended. Then again, Craig supposed it technically had. Fires burned all around, and buildings had collapsed into ruins. He looked side to side, then tugged the ends of his hat down, and started walking. The pet store was close to here, right? Surely they would have stuff for guinea pigs.

He stuffed his hands into his pockets, kicking at rubble dully. He could hear screams some ways off. So, people were still outside, and those creatures were still around he thought idly. Suddenly, he was grabbed and lifted up, being carried hastily towards a Best Buy.

He struggled and yelled, "Hey! Get off of me!"

"Calm down, Craig!" It was Stan's dad. "You can't be out here right now! Did you get separated from your parents?"

Craig huffed but went limp. "I guess you could say that."

Randy ran into the abandoned store, setting the boy down. "I saw him wandering around alone, I couldn't just leave him, Sharon!" he yelled, and Craig saw him pointing his camera between the two of them.

Sharon scowled and put her hands on her hips. "I didn't say anything about leaving him!" she argued, clearly furious with her husband's antics. "Put down that goddamn camera already!"

Craig rolled his eyes, wandering away from them. He was getting annoyed because the more he saw of Randy, the less he was beginning to hate Stan. He was starting to understand why the other boy could be such as ass. It was all his dad's fault, and he wasn't going to blame Stan for his dad being stupid.

He went through a few aisles, looking at the electronics with slight interest. He was angry he had been kept from the correct store. This place didn't even have power so he couldn't mess with any of the electronics. Most looked like something had broken them anyway, and a lot of spots were suspiciously empty. Whatever, if there was one thing this town knew how to deal with better than anyone else, it was looting.

Shortly after, Randy ran over and grabbed him, yelling random sentences at the camera as he pulled Craig behind him. "I'm so startled right now! Like, for real!" He pulled Craig along behind him, running after the rest of the group that had been hiding in the Best Buy, trailing right behind his wife and daughter.

Buzzing filled the air, and a new form of guinea creature appeared: Guinea Bees. They swooped down from the sky in swarms, and close by, Craig heard a man screaming as he was impaled by a stinger. He wasn't sure if he was surprised to find that he didn't care or not. It wasn't like he knew that person, so why should he waste time being sad over his death?

They ran a few streets over, entering the supermarket. Some soldiers from the army were there, guns at the ready. "Get in, get in! Hurry! We have to shut these doors!" Randy yanked Craig over the threshold just as the doors slammed shut behind them.

As the adults began to question the soldiers about the situation, Craig finally pulled himself away from Randy, stalking down the rows of aisles until he finally reached the pet supplies. He glanced up at the shelves and smiled lightly as he found guinea pig pellets. Stuffing the bag into his pocket, he headed next to the vegetable section, searching for some lettuce that didn't look bruised and was still fresh.

Screaming started up again, and Craig decided he would be the absolute happiest if he never had to hear screaming about guinea creatures ever again. It was really getting on his nerves. He picked up a bag of baby carrots when he was unable to find good enough lettuce, then realized what all the screaming was about.

The creatures were in the store.

"AHHH! A GUINEA BEAR!" someone yelled.

"No, it's a guinea mouse, stu- CRAIG, LOOK OUT!" Randy shrieked, aiming his camera at the little boy.

Craig looked to the side, and froze. On the other side of the vegetable section, a giant guinea mouse was sitting, nosing through the greens. It's giant eyes locked onto him, and it began to hiss and bare it's teeth at him in anger.

The little boy just stood there, his mind racing. Was he really going to die like this? Had his parents noticed he was missing yet? What about Tricia? Would she even remember her stupid older brother? Who was going to take care of Stripe?

Sharon sprinted over, snatching him up. He reminded her too much of her own son to stand by and do nothing. "Randy, we have to get to the store room!" she yelled, charging towards the backroom of the store, one arm around Craig, her free hand holding tightly onto Shelly. Her husband followed close behind, and they slipped into the room just as the doors were slammed shut.

"I can't see anything, mom!" Shelly yelled over the numerous voices chattering all around them.

"Don't worry, Shelly, I have night-vision on this camera," Randy answered before Sharon could speak. There were a few clicks, then the room lit up in an eerie green light that made everyone look like a monster.

Craig sighed and rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. This was seriously getting old. Yes, it was probably the scariest thing he had ever seen happen, but that didn't mean he wasn't getting more annoyed than afraid. After a while, it just stopped being scary. At least for him, seeing as Randy kept telling everyone how startled he was.

"Gah!" Everyone jumped at the yell and Sharon demanded to know what was wrong, her husband having been the one to make the sound. "Nothing, I just scared myself," he explained, only to immediately shriek again and the camera shut off, plunging them all back into darkness.

* * *

They stayed in the storage room for hours. Only once the noise outside had died down did they dare to even peek out, a collective gasp issuing from the group as light hit their eyes. Seeing the area clear of guinea creatures, they ventured from the small room.

"We have to get to a safer place. Somewhere that we can fortify and lock ourselves into. With nice bathrooms and a rockin' kitchen," Randy said. "So, I am saying right now that we should all go and hide in Outback Steakhouse."

His suggestion was met by silence, and a heavy sigh from his wife.

"I think it's a good idea," someone agreed. "Those doors are thick and we can board them and the windows up with tables!"

Murmurs of acceptance worked through the gathered, and they soon head out, the adults filling their arms with as much food as they could carry. Craig let himself lag behind until they had disappeared and he was alone.

He let out a relieved breath, then started back towards the community center. He had no idea how long he had been gone, but it felt like at least a day. Poor Stripe, he must be so hungry. He patted his pockets, checking for the hundredth time to be sure he still had the food and treat.

Turning the corner, he looked up towards the building that currently sheltered his family. At least, where it had been.

The community center was in ruins.

Craig felt his entire body go cold as if he had fallen through the ice on Stark's Pond and into the water. What... what had happened...? Where were his parents? His sister? His beloved pet?

He inched closer with small, shaking steps, entering the rubble. He could see some people had been crushed by chunks of building, and some had been killed by guinea creatures that were long gone. Craig's chest tightened as he found the blanket his mother had been sitting on, ripped and bloody. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, calming himself as much as he could in this situation. He reached down and picked it up, wrapping it up into a ball in his hands and hugging it to his chest. He was distressed to be unable to find Stripe's cage, or any signs of his family.

He returned to the parking lot, and looked around his destroyed town, not knowing what to do next. He could go to where he knew for sure there were other people, over at Outback, but he really didn't think he could handle that. It would be really, really annoying.

"Stripe?" he called out hesitantly. "Stripe, are you here?" He started walking once again, continuing his call. When he reached Jimmy Valmer's trashed house, he turned and went up the road by the bus stop. Glancing side to side, he headed right as it was slightly less destroyed. He listened carefully as he made his way over the debris that was scattered around, trying to hear any sound of guinea creatures. Specifically, his guinea creature, but the dangerous ones to avoid as well.

Suddenly, he felt like someone was watching him. He stopped in his tracks, just in time to hear some rubble shift and light footsteps. His eyes narrowed as he looked around. He picked up a chunk of rock at his feet, ready to defend himself. "Whoever you are, come out right now. I heard you."

A shriek he was more than accustomed to came from a pile of bricks and Craig raised his eyebrows in surprise, letting the make-shift weapon clatter to the ground. "Tweek? Tweek, is that you?" he asked.

"Craig?" The wild-haired blonde peeked out from his hiding spot. He was shaking harder than Craig had ever seen before, and his eyes were wide. "Craig, what are you do-ngh-doing over here? I saw your family running towards the center."

"The center was destroyed, Tweek. I don't know what happened or where my family is. I'm looking for Stripe," he answered simply, moving closer to his friend. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you with your parents?"

"I got separated from them. I don't know where they-agh!-they went. They weren't in the shop or at home. I don't know where they are!" He pulled at his hair in a panic, and Craig reached over and gently grabbed his wrists, tugging his hands away.

"Well, I'm sure yanking at your hair isn't going to help you find them. Just... just stay with me, I guess," he suggested, shifting his grip so he was holding Tweek's hand instead of his wrists. "Help me look for Stripe and I'll help you look for your parents."

Tweek nodded, glancing around nervously. They made their way back towards Tweek Bros Coffee, looking for Stripe.

"The last time I saw him, he was in his little carrying cage," Craig explained. "I don't know if he got out, or if my family took the cage with him. Maybe if we find them, we'll find my guinea pig."

At the end of the block, Tweek abruptly pulled Craig through the broken front window of the Photo Dojo. "I heard something!" he hissed, scrambling behind the counter. The two boys sat side by side in silence, listening carefully. After a moment, Craig heard what Tweek had: the all too familiar rumbling steps of a guinea creature approaching.

"Oh, God! Oh, Jesus!" Tweek whimpered, his body twitching with nerves.

"Shh, just stay quiet," Craig whispered back. "We'll be fine, I promise. Nothing bad will happen to us."

They listened as the steps grew closer, the building trembling with each tread. Tweek had his eyes squeezed shut as tightly as possible, his hands pressed hard over his mouth to silence the sounds that leaked out.

A low moan filled the air and Craig's breath caught in his throat. He leaned over a bit, peeking out of his hiding spot. His eyes locked onto a giant one right outside. The guinea creature, a guinea bee, hissed and buzzed then rushed forward, slamming into the front of the building. It was too large to fit inside, but that didn't stop it from trying, or from scaring the daylights out of the two boys.

Tweek screamed when the building rocked violently. "Craig! We're going to die! The building is going to fall on us!"

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Craig grabbed his friend and hauled him to his feet, looking around for an emergency exit. He saw a door that led into the backroom and burst through it. It was filled with photo-shoot paraphernalia, and an emergency door was there on the other side. The only problem was that, if the door opened, an alarm would sound. They last thing they needed was to attract the attention of more guinea creatures.

Craig looked between his panicking friend and the door in front of them, weighing their options. A loud crash from the room they had left made the decision for them. The guinea bee had smashed through the wall. Pulling Tweek behind him, he ran through the emergency door. A siren began to blare, and they sprinted away as fast as they could. Crossing the street, they ran up the road. The Bijou theatre came into view, and without thinking they ran through the front doors and into the theatre.

The silence that surrounded them was filled only with their gasps for breath. When they finally straightened from their bent positions, they found themselves alone. The theatre was surprisingly untouched. It seemed no one had thought to hide there. There were exits in the back on either side, and these didn't have alarms. The went through the one on the right, and found themselves staring at the side of Tweek Bros. Coffee.

Craig glanced at Tweek, wondering what his reaction would be. Tweek was just staring at the building, his panic seemingly on pause. He started towards the front door, and frowned slightly that every window had been shattered.

They entered the cafe, stepping gingerly over the shards if glass that covered the floor. They made their way behind the counter, going towards the store room where Tweek usually stayed to taste new blends. They could hear shuffling coming from the room, and they approached with caution.

Opening the door a crack, Tweek threw himself backwards after a brief glance, his eyes looking ready to pop out of his head, a hand over his mouth. Craig quickly looked for himself and his lips pressed together in a hard line. A giant guinea pig was snuffling through the coffee beans. Before he could step away, he found himself once again eye to eye with a guinea creature.

It hissed menacingly at him, then rushed forward. Craig shoved Tweek back, clambering away from the door. The guinea pig reached the door and hit it with it's giant body, knocking the door off it's hinges. It was far too large to fit through the doorway, which meant it had probably knocked out the back wall and gotten in that way.

Watching the creature struggle and hiss with chattering teeth, Craig felt a strange sense of... sympathy. Poor thing, it was probably hungry. He bit his lip, then slowly pulled out the carrots he had managed to keep with him. The little orange veggies had taken a few hits, but they were still good, and he slowly approached the guinea creature, making Tweek squeal and tell him to be careful. He ripped the bag open, dumping a few into his hand.

Inching closer, the treat held out in front of him as an offering, Craig started talking softly to angry monster. "Hey... calm down. I'm not going to hurt you... I bet you're hungry. Here, I have some nice, crunchy carrots for you."

The creature was still hissing, but it was staring at Craig in an almost curious manner. It allowed Craig to approach, and to offer the carrots. The giant guinea pig ate all of them in one go, chomping down only once to obliterate them. It had stopped hissing at this point, just watching him.

In a moment of bravery, Craig reached forward and lightly rubbed the guinea pig's head, smoothing the fur on it's forehead in a careful upward motion. He expected the creature to hiss again, maybe thrash and bring the building down on top of him. What he did not expect was to be rewarded with a deep purring.

"Craig?" Tweek whispered. "Did you just... tame a guinea creature?"

The boy thought for a moment, then turned to his friend and nodded. "Yeah. I think I did."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of Craig's letter came directly from the script of the episode.


	3. Chapter 3

After making sure that the creature was indeed safe, Craig coaxed Tweek into getting closer. The giant guinea pig, who Craig dubbed Stripe Two, had hissed lightly at the blonde but allowed Tweek to nervously pet it. Soon enough, it grew used to him as well, and they were able to sit close by with the guinea creature to their backs.

"What do we do-AGH!-now?" Tweek asked, his fists clenched tightly as he shook in place on the ground. "Are we just going to hide here forever and eventually die, or are we going to go out and look for people and end up dead that way?"

"Chill out, dude, everything's fine," Craig said, putting up his hands and motioning for him to take a few deep breaths. "We'll just take Stripe Two and go out to find Stripe and your parents. We'll be alright." When Tweek showed no sign of relaxing, he sighed and added, "I'm not going to let anything hurt you, Tweek. I promise."

Having half expected this to not work, he was surprised when Tweek finally settled. "Okay, Craig. I'll trust you."

They glanced outside, then snuck around to the back of the shop. The back wall was missing, as Craig had predicted, and the guinea creature shuffled out. Craig gave it a few pets, then lead the way back into the destroyed town.

He stuck his hands in his pockets, looking around with a heavy sigh, the rumble of the guinea creature's steps making it difficult to keep his balance. This was all Stan and his gang's fault, he was sure of it. He didn't know how exactly, but whenever something happened it was always their fault.

They made their way towards the mall, hearing screams still echoing from that direction. If nothing else, it meant people, which could mean Tweek's parents, and potentially Stripe. Oh, and his family. Before they could reach the building, it occurred to Craig it might be a terrible idea to bring a monster to an area filled with panicking South Parkians. That was the perfect recipe for disaster.

They paused in the forest between the mall and Token's house, and he commanded the guinea creature to stay put, then grabbed Tweek's trembling hand and continued on the rest of the way.

As they approached the doors, they were thrown open and a few of the adults ran out. They were screaming to each other about 'saving the children!', and the pair were snatched and rushed back into the mall. Tweek screamed when he was lifted, and as soon as they were set down he bowled into Craig, clinging to his arm.

Craig let him, patting his friend's wild hair lightly. "You're alright, Tweek, just remember to breath."

The adults around them were firing question after question at the two, not giving them any time to actually offer an answer. Craig rolled his eyes and dragged Tweek with him away from the crowd that didn't even notice they left.

"Alright, let's look for Stripe and your parents," he said, walking towards some of the stores.

"Oh, God, I hope my parents aren't dead!" Tweek commented as they looked around at the people milling about. "I would have to take over the coffee shop and pay bills on the house all by myself! That's way too much pressure for me to handle, man!"

"Don't think about that. I'm sure they're fine."

The pair explored the mall thoroughly as each store had different groups of people gathered inside. Unsurprisingly, the hunting store had been converted into a command station for the national guard troops that had come to the town to help them. Craig made sure to steer clear of them. He knew he couldn't hide Stripe Two forever, but he wasn't going to go out of his way to get him caught.

"Craig, is it just me, or does it seem like this kind of stuff happens really often?" Tweek asked, breaking the silence between them.

"It's not you, Tweek. It's Stan and his friends. That's why people don't hang out with them, remember?" he answered, glancing at him. "You learned that first hand, since you spent more time with them than pretty much everyone but Butters."

Tweek nodded. "That's true, I guess I just hadn't thought of that before."

Finishing their unsuccessful search, the two returned to the front doors, sitting on the floor by the escalators. Craig tugged on the sides of his hat in irritation. "Dammit, where could Stripe be?"

"I'm sure we'll find him, Craig," Tweek assured him, making his best attempt to be comforting.

Growing bored quickly, they got up and started walking once again. "Hey, what are you going to do about Stripe Two?" Tweek questioned. "I mean, what's going to happen to him? Do you need to go back and feed him? Will he just leave on his own?"

"I don't know. I figure not, and I assume so," he responded.

Hours passed, then a deafening crash sounded throughout the building. Screams filled the air, informing the pair that a guinea creature had smashed it's way into the mall. They looked at each other in surprise, then ran towards the noise, pushing their way through the panicking adults who were running past them.

"Ah! Craig!" Tweek yelled. The boy turned around, but was powerless to help his friend who was being borne away, Tweek unable to break away from the surge of humanity.

Craig pressed on, finding himself standing just behind a group of soldiers firing on Stripe Two, who was fighting to get in.

"Stop! Stop it! He isn't going to hurt anyone!" he called, but went unheard thanks to the commotion surrounding them. Finally, he ran out in front, standing between the soldiers and the guinea creature, his arms out to either side. "I SAID STOP!"

The soldiers froze, none of them wanting to shoot an innocent child.

"He isn't going to hurt anyone, just leave him alone," Craig demanded, glaring down the guns aimed indirectly at him. Stripe Two nudged him, purring deeply. He looked over his shoulder at the guinea creature and smiled slightly. As he turned to the soldiers once more, he saw something fly past his face.

Blinking rapidly, he faced the men, and froze. One of them had his gun up, still staring down the barrel, but he was aiming just over Craig's shoulder. He whipped around to see Stripe Two, his heart pounding in his chest.

The guinea pig looked surprised for a moment, the white fur going down it's forehead smudged with black. On the ground by his feet was a tiny metal lump. Before Craig could say anything, the creature's fur ruffled all along it's body and hissed, charging straight towards the soldiers. Craig was knocked to the side by the giant body, hitting the ground heavily.

He groaned as the wind was knocked out of him, and he rolled onto his stomach, pushing himself onto his knees as he watched the solider that had shot at Stripe Two get bitten in half by the enraged animal. The soldiers opened fire, emptying clip after clip into the guinea creature to no avail. The giant guinea pig ripped into their ranks, crushing most under it's paws.

He didn't notice someone standing beside him until he was pulled onto his feet and the terror filled voice of Tweek Tweak filtered through to his brain. "Craig! Don't just sit there, we have to go! Come on!" He let the other yank him away, running out through the hole in the wall into the cold night air. They didn't stop to catch their breath until they reached City Wok, bending over and gasping for air.

Even from this distance, they could hear the renewed screams and the echoes of the guns.

"Are you alright?" Tweek's voice cut through the growing noise and Craig glanced up at him before nodded. They straightened, looking around the area. The restaurant in front of them had been practically leveled.

They climbed over the broken walls into the tackily decorated remains, sitting against the counter.

"Craig, what are we going to do? What if we just doomed the last people in the world?!" Tweek asked, his voice raising in pitch with each word. His eyes widened with fear, his fingers tangling in his wild hair and tugging hard.

"Calm down, Tweek. 'We' didn't do anything. If anything, it's my fault. You didn't do anything wrong," he comforted. "Besides, I really doubt the last people left on earth are in South Park. I am getting annoyed that every single place I go seems to come under attack, though. It's making finding Stripe way more difficult than it needs to be." Craig crossed his arms, glaring at the ground. "You know, we clearly aren't any safer trying to run around town. Let's just get to main street, I'm sure that's where most people are."

Tweek nodded in agreement and they left the relative safety of the restaurant, walking down the road. They were close, only needing to go down a street and walk a ways to the right.

Craig hadn't been wrong in figuring most people were in the center of town, he had just overlooked the fact that that would mean most of the guinea creatures would be there as well. As they approached the red building that housed the news' office, the screams of panic and fear were renewed, the sounds of guinea creatures and gun fire filling the air.

Tweek groaned in fear, yanking at the hem of his shirt, but continued to follow behind Craig closely as they approached.

It was when they came into site of a new find of guinea creature that the chaos came to a sudden halt. This guinea creature wasn't like the others. It was bigger, and dressed like a pirate. As soon as the boys were in view, it's eyes locked onto Craig.

" _Argh! Damn ye, Craig!_ " it snarled, it's deep voice reverberating throughout the area. " _Ye just never stop, do ye!?_ "

Craig glanced around in confusion before turning back to the monster. "I... haven't done anything?" he said, putting his hands up to show his innocence as Tweek latched onto his arm and glared at the giant creature.

The guinea pirate ignored him, launching into a speech. " _Ye see, for thousands of years horrid creatures have lived in the Guinea Valley of Peru. The Incas learned how to keep the creatures at bay: by playing pan flute music. Guinea creatures hate it even more than humans do. Argh, but the prophecy foretold that one day the creatures would be unleashed and I have made that happen! The Incas predicted the world would be saved... by ye, Craig! But that part of the prophecy will not come true!_ " The guinea creature snarled at him again, it's fur ruffling with rage.

Craig blinked. Then blinked again. Letting out a sigh, he shook his head. "No, see, I don't care about this," he said, waving at the area around them. "I'm not going to try and stop you, I don't care if you take over the world. I just want to find Stripe."

" _Silence! Ye will die in this mountain town, dargh!_ " The guinea pirate ran towards him, and Tweek screamed in fear.

Craig watched him nearing blankly. From deep within him, he felt something change, and a slight tingling sensation flooded through his body. He didn't know what it was or why it happened, but in an instant he knew what to do.

When the guinea pirate was only a few feet away, he spoke a single, powerful word.

" _ **Stop.**_ "

The pirate was thrown back as though it had slammed into an invisible brick wall. It bounced away a few feet before scrambling back to it's paws. It's beady black eyes glared at Craig angrily, but the boy didn't notice, turning to his friend.

"Are you okay, Tweek?" he asked softly, the other wrapped around his arm like it was the only thing keeping him alive. Tweek, who had shut his eyes so he wouldn't have to see death coming, slowly allowed them to crack open and looked up at his friend. He stared at the other, his jaw dropping as his eyes widened in shock.

"Craig?" he whispered. "Why are your eyes glowing?"

"What?" Craig rubbed his eyes curiously. They didn't feel any different than usual, but he supposed there was no reason for Tweek to lie, and it wasn't as though he could see himself at the moment. The guinea pirate roared, attempting to charge them again.

Irritated now, Craig snapped his head back towards the animal and said with more force than before, " ** _STOP._** " This time, the pirate went flying, crashing to the ground a good block away. The other guinea creatures in the area had frozen their movements as well.

Tweek whimpered and pressed a little closer to him. "What's happening, Craig?"

"I'm not sure."

The screams that had filled the town for what felt like days had finally quieted. The people in the street where stood, watching the two boys and the guinea creatures, unsure if they needed to continue their panicking or not.

Craig took a step forward, and the guinea creatures scuttled back, short, uneven purrs filling the air. "They're... scared of me," Craig murmured, surprised by this realization. He took another step and they ran, clambering over one another to get away from the little boy as quickly as they could.

" _No! Come back and fight for me! Worthless creatures!_ " the guinea pirate shrieked as it was knocked onto it's back again and again as it struggled to right itself and make it's way back to Craig's location. " _Ye were supposed to kill him! He's just a child, why could ye not do it!?_ "

"Wait, so it was your fault that we kept getting attacked out of nowhere? You were making them find me?" Craig asked, his brow furrowing in annoyance. "Dude, I've been trying to find my guinea pig, and you just had to go out of your way to make my life harder?"

" _I hate ye, Craig! I will rule the world! You cannot stop meeeeee!_ " the pirate screeched, not paying attention to anything the child said as it managed to roll over. It shook out it's fur, then rushed at him. " _Argh!_ "

Anger filled Craig, and his clenched his fists at his sides. "I have been looking for Stripe all day, and you're just going to yell stupid shit at me!?" He felt a strange pressure build in his eyes, then from the sky, a yellow light struck him.

* * *

About four thousand miles away in Peru, Stan and his friends were exploring an ancient Inca temple.

"I still don't understand why Craig was on the wall," Kyle said, following Stan as they crossed a suspension bridge over a shallow river, the statues lining the walls having waterfalls flowing from them into the current. "I mean, is he Peruvian or something?"

"I don't know, dude, we can ask him when we get home," Stan answered, kicking a pebble away from him into the water.

"This is such bullcrap, I don't wanna be here," Cartman whined from across the room, him and Kenny having gone another way to investigate, covering more ground faster.

"(Shut the fuck up, fat tits, none of us want to be here,)" Kenny snapped, shoving the other boy forward. "(The faster we get through this place, the faster we can go home.)"

"Call me fat... I'll beat you up, you poor piece of shit..." Cartman murmured under his breath, continuing to walk. The two groups met up again on the other side of the giant room, stopping before a giant statue of a guinea pig. More murals covered the statue, telling the same story as the ones at the entrance, but this time with a few more pictures in the end.

"Is this telling us to pull a lever in here somewhere?" Stan asked, trying to piece together the art. "That's what I'm getting from this. What do you guys think?"

"Yeah, that seems to be it," Kyle agreed, looking around them. "There." He pointed the the center of the room, down in the water. Spouting up from the floor was a golden lever, the water gushing past it. "How do we get down?"

"I don't know if this is worth it, you guys," Cartman said, glancing over the edge. "There could be all kinds of bad stuff down there waiting for us."

"You're just scared, Cartman."

"Ay! I'm not scared, you're scared, you fuckin' Jew!"

"Fuck off, fat boy!"

As the familiar argument started up and Stan attempted to calm them, Kenny sighed and slid down the leg of a statue into the water.

It was freezing cold and he grunted softly at the sudden temperature change. He quickly sloshed his way over to the lever, and with a deep breath, yanked it down. Lightning sparked through the water, electrocuting him and rocketing him backwards and up onto the platform beside his friends.

"Oh, my God! Kenny!" Stan yelped, kneeling beside his now unconscious, but surprisingly not dead, friend.

"You bastard!" Kyle yelled at the lever, shaking his fist at the contraption before joining Stan in his worry. None of the four noticed the yellow sparks entering the statues and traveling up to the ceiling, shooting out from the top of the temple and flying across the sky towards home.

* * *

Craig didn't feel the light hit him. He only knew something had because suddenly, everything was tinged blue. That, and sparks were shooting out of his eyes and hitting the guinea pirate, making it screech. "Okay. So, sparks are coming out of my eyes now," he said to himself, trying to stay cool. This wasn't a big deal. He could make it boring and normal.

" _Noooooooo!_ " The pirate was blasted back, and it lay still. The sparks disappeared and Craig blinked a few times before rubbing his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Tweek whimpered, tugging lightly on Craig's sleeve. The boy sighed in response and nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Tweek."

"Craig! Craig!" The familiar voice got Craig's attention and he whipped around to face the person. His mother was running towards him, and before he had the chance to say anything, he was scooping into her arms and his face covered in kisses.

"Mom!" he finally choked out, struggling to get some air. Yes, it was nice to see her and know she was okay, but he rather liked breathing and if he didn't get away, that would stop being a thing he could do.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so glad you're okay! Why did you leave the center without telling us?" Laura demanded, finally releasing him as Thomas approached, Tricia in his arms. "We had no idea what happened to you!"

"I told you I had to go out and find food for Stripe," he explained simply.

"I told you not to go outside," Thomas huffed, too relieved knowing his son was safe to be really angry at him.

"I know."

The four hugged each other, and a welcome, happy whistle sounded. Craig wiggled away from the arms around him closer to his little sister who was holding Stripe's unharmed cage.

"Stripe!" He took it from her, popping it open and letting his fluffy pet crawl out into his arms. He hugged Stripe lightly, kissing his fuzzy head. "I'm so glad you're okay, buddy!"

He heard someone yelling, and looked up to see Mr. and Mrs. Tweak running towards them. They barreled into their son, sobbing and squeezing him. "Oh, son! I was so worried about you!" Richard cried, ruffling Tweek's hair as his mom treated him much the same as Craig's mother had: squeezing the life out of him.

A small smile formed on Craig's face, glad his friend had found his parents. Strange how conveniently everything always managed to wrap itself up.

* * *

Like after most tragedies to hit the town, South Park was quick to recover, and after only a day, the buildings had been restored and things were getting back to normal. Stan and his gang had been returned from Peru after finding their way out of the Incan temple to a city nearby. Once back in the United States, they (somehow) got in contact with the new director of Homeland Security and informed him of the importance of the Peruvian pan-flute bands. Once the bands were released, they made quick work of driving back the guinea creatures and getting the leader put in prison.

The group confronted Craig about his presence on the temple wall, but he only shrugged and flipped them off, ending the line of questioning then and there.

As everyone began to settle down, Craig found himself at the Black residence, Token having invited them over to hang out for the day before school started back up. Currently, him, Craig, Tweek, Clyde, and Jimmy were laid out in Token's room, all of them talking about the ordeal aside from Craig, who was just listening.

Finally, Tweek said, "I just want to know if it hurt." He directed this comment at Craig, who sighed and sat up from where he had been laying on a beanbag and staring at the ceiling.

"If what hurt?" he asked.

"The sparks. Did it hurt to have stuff shooting out of your eyes?" By now, the entire town knew about the prophecy and Craig's part in destroying the guinea creature leader.

Craig shook his head. "No, it didn't hurt. It just felt a little like something was pressing on my eyes, but that was it. It did make everything look blue though."

"That's so cool, dude," Clyde gushed, wiggling in his spot on Token's desk chair. "Do you think you could do it again?"

"Shoot sparks? I dunno, and I don't care. If I can, I don't intend to find out," he answered, flopping back down, ignoring the indignant "Why not!?" that followed this statement.

"If they come back you will though, right? Help keep us from dying?" Tweek asked nervously.

Craig smiled, lifting his hand from behind his head and giving a thumb up. "Sure thing, Tweek. Even I'm not that mean; I'm not going to sit around and watch as my friends get killed."

Relieved, Tweek nodded though Craig couldn't see it.

"D-Do you think the creatures will c-co-co-c-ome back?" Jimmy wondered out loud, a hand on his chin as he thought. "I heard the g-g-gui-gu-guinea pirate busted out of prison, s-s-so it's totally possible, ri-ri-right?"

Tweek squealed and yanked at his hair while Clyde shrieked and toppled from his chair into a heap on the floor as Craig gave another shrug. "If it happens, it happens. I don't plan on going anywhere, so if the time comes for sparks again, I'll figure it out. Maybe send Stan and them back to Peru so they can do whatever it was they were doing so they aren't here annoying me instead."

Token snorted and nodded. "You do whatever you think you need to do to succeed, Craig. I'll buy the plane tickets myself if another guinea attack happens," he agreed, Jimmy grinning in amusement.

"AGH! Don't even joke about it!" Tweek yelled. "It's not funny!"

"Yeah, guys, stop trying to scare us!" Clyde joined in, his face set in a pout.

Craig laughed and rolled over onto his stomach, looking up at his four best friends. "Don't worry so much, guys. I promise, if the time comes and they need me again, I'll seriously be right here. I'll help however I can." He stood up and stretched.

"Besides, it was a pain in the ass to find friends as good as you. I really don't want to have to do it again."


End file.
